Sunday, February 15, 2015

I run so that I can drink....the truth of the 46 yr old female

Let me tell you something.... I love my body.... I'm 46 years old, and that is closer to 50 than 40... Although at our age, 40 is irrelevant too.    I'm small.  I'm 5' and under 114#.   But I work at it.   I run. I work out ( occasionally)   I have a fear of gaining weight,  middle age weight,  fuck you.    I hear you.... I hear you saying, " you will never be big ".  Well let me tell you something.   I enjoy eating.   I run so that I can drink beer.  Every time I run, I look at calories burned and drink and eat accordingly.    Up to this date I have friends whom have never ever seen me eat solid food.  

 I stood in front of the mirror yesterday and said ....word  for word,    "I look boobs are saggy, my nipples are probably too big due to breast feeding, my tummy is still pretty sexy, my labia not as pert as it once was.....but all in all.... When Walmart compared....nice. "

So I listen to my middle aged friends, male,   Talking about women.....their wives.  Etc....  Wtf?   Do we talk about the men like that?   We love a rock hard big penised man....but we also love a soft big belly man.....penis or no penis.   Are they nice?   awesome...funny?  better yet...I'll take Him!

I'll never understand  my mentality that I'm not ok....
Why am I not ok?
This, of course is the big hoopla of Cindy Crawford.. Super model   48 years old, no photo retouch
gorgeous....I agreee.... she has a lot going for her without the photo retouch
very nice.... 
this is me
46.5 years old... 2 big fat kids and absolutely no photo retouch or good lighting

no photo retouch
46 years old.
I criticize myself every day.and I'm not some sort of gym rat....
this is just a few push ups, and a run around the block three times a week
am I happy    ??

does my husband think I'm Cindy Crawford?
does he look at other woman

It's just our own mentality.

this is what this 46 year old looks like.....
I may not be the norm...
but this is it.
Ive had 2 very large kids and I'm 5' tall
it is what it is.
I'm not ashamed, but I want you to know I do work at eating healthy and satying active.
But this does not make me happy

I want you ro know what I hate.  
 judge and talk amongst our friends .... its ok.  tell me too.
I hate the way my boobs sag.  I hate that my nipples are too big.
My vagina.... I had two almost 10# kids, vagina adjusted, I did not....
chin hair?   oh please... it sucks.  
but my calves?   they are nice....
my abs?   not bad...I'm guessing genetics.
but still
at 46.5........ i'm still uneasey

compare and feel the strength. 
 fuck it

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Too tiny for middle school

It's been a while, but I'm still here   Chugging along.  Making life go on   Which is something I have to do... Well , because it's life.   Right?  Right

Here's something to think about.  I took my daughter to middle school orientation.  She is toooooo small for middle school !   She's a puny lil thing with the biggest personality so I'm guessing she will survive .    Her friend kept saying , " don't worry , everyone will love her because she is so cute"
No, no no.
First thought ; how to make her ugly so no one thinks she is cute , but then I realized that is pretty shitty .
She pointed out that she really could fit in the locker and how will she reach the top shelf.
That's when I realized .... She's just a little kid. She had no worries.  Except the height of the top shelf

Listen , Olive,   You will reach any shelf you want to reach   I swear

Damn kid ;)
Next time we will make fun of my parenting fail with the teen

Friday, August 29, 2014

All over again and again

I start all my processes back over this next week
Everything is so expensive.
Its a wee bit stressful
My kid was diagnosed with Asthma which costs another couple grand even with insurance.
My hubby is back to his old shenanigans
I have nice size lump in the other boob now
My son has been living with his dad and I miss him
We fight a lot in this house.
I wish I could just run away.
Turning a blind eye isn't working as much anymore
I long for someone to hug me and pat my bottom and tell me i'm awesome, beautiful, and enough
When I look in the mirror
i cry

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

craft room disaster

Room is painted. I'm not sure why I choose to do these things.  I guess it gives me some sense of being able to fix something.  Anything.
Bobby ended up helping me "cut in " the paint because I always get the ceiling.  I chose my two favorite colors: tangerine and green...with white.  I love the 70s mod colors.

this is in no way my completed project...this is much too nice...but these are the colors I used.

My shit is all over the place.  I have cleaned up more mouse poop in the past 2 days then I ever did working on the farm.  Who knew we were infested in the laundry room?  Not anymore.  
I have cleaned and bleached and if I show up dead or deathly ill in a month, it's Huntavirus (sp?)

While I wait for paint to dry and for Bobby to sand the last part where we had to re plaster the wall...Note to self...don't try to chip that tiny piece always opens a can of worms I am sitting in the crappy computer room looking at what to do with all this fabric.

I have ironed little scraps
 i have ripped fabric meant for the garbage into strips

oh my god....mess
i'm worried I won't be able to get this all back together.   So I sit here making fabric for the garbage into balls of fabric yarn I can make something with.   All my best ideas come when I am not able to do anything  i.e: craft room non functioning.

Well, I'll keep ya posted,   I really should try to go for a run.  Its bee 2 weeks since the boob surgery.  My pants are tight.  

write ya later

Monday, May 12, 2014

craft room and yarn hole! Lets do this thing

Shit shit and more shit.   
So today I start to fix and throw away and try to make something out of this place we call home.
It gets to a point where you have lived some where so long you don't really care any more, then one day you look around and say 
Jeesus, this place is a mess and we have such great space and I bet if someone else lived here they would make it nice

so I am going to make my space nice.
Of course as soon as I started the man came down and said you can't just cant just put stuff in here.
well why the hell not!?

Just go back out to your garage.

the front loader broke...I had to spend 600$ on a new washing machine on Mother's Day which really really pissed me off.  so that wont be here until 5/25.  that gives me time to paint.

I'll keep ya posted and in the mean time if you have any ideas via pinterest etc...send them my way

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

boob is free and clear....for now

I have been a bit absent due to the circumstances of breast illness and stress.  I would like to happily report that I was finally able to have my "breast sparing lumpectomy" on 4/30.  I was very nervous seeing how this was my very first surgery.  I had kept all this information to myself for a few months now and was emotionally ready to find out the answer. 
I arrived at the hospital at 7 am to prepare for the placement of the wire into my breast.  this is called a wire guided stereo mammogram.  The Dr. uses mammogram to place a wire into your breast up to the titanium chip which marks the cancerous area.  To me, it wasn't bad.  they give you some lidocaine and you drop your boob into a hole onto a table and they work from below.  I felt as long as I didn't think too much about it I was fine.  When he is done they take your for a soft mammogram (no such thing) to make sure the wire is in the right place then off to the pre-surgery area.    When I arrived into pre-surgery my blood pressure was up to the 150s ,which is unusual for me.  I was so scared.  As they started setting me up I just started blubbering like an idiot and the RNs stood there aghast.  " its ok..  its ok, we are going to take care of you.  You wont feel anything"  I knew all this but the emotion just poured out.  I was finally able to get my shit together and crack a few jokes and they felt it was safe enough to leave me in the tiny room to watch TV and relax.   
45 minutes later I had signed all consents, spoke to the surgeon and then the Anesthesiologist.  He was great, told me everything he was going to do and all was well in the world.  

Next thing I remember was him saying, " do you feel that?"  Feel what...?  the burning in my IV?   and he says , "yup. " with a big smile and I remember the oxygen mask coming towards me and hearing him laugh and  saying, " nighty night, Red".
I woke up an hour or so later in recovery.    I had no nausea, was thirsty, but no pain.   I sat around there for a while then was sent home.

I felt great.  no pain.  they had placed a Scopolamine patch behind my ear for the nausea and it worked wonders.  
I was to leave everything in place and wear a big booby binder for 72 hours.
 day 3 i removed the binder.  not bad.
the lump they removed was about 2"x3" so my one breast was smaller and sitting up a little higher from the swelling and where she stitched me up.  I really couldn't complain.  the only stupid thing I did was remove the patch from behind my ear thinking I was fine and for 3 days I was unable to eat with my stomach rolling.  no puking...just uncomfortable.

9 o'clock stitch from armpit to nipple.  could be worse.

Monday 5/5 :   I received my results after a long 6 days of waiting.  The Surgeon was able to remove the mass with no cancer left behind.  or what they call clean margins.   no other  cancerous cells found.  
I was so excited.  yet the strange thing was it hasn't eased my mind.  not sure if this is normal.  I woke up last night with chest pain and was afraid I was having a heart attack.  I'm sure it was anxiety, seeing as I am still alive this afternoon.   But I'm still a nervous wreck.

I go back for my checkup tomorrow.  
I am hoping I am not having a heart attack
and I am off work for another week or so, but with not much energy to do anything.

Alls good in boobsville for now


Thursday, April 17, 2014

lets get this show on the road

Today I finally go for my consult with the breast specialist.   Unfortunately my last appointment was moving along at a great pace and I went to schedule my surgery only to find out the surgery center was not in "network".  I chose to change Dr.s and head to a more "in network" surgery so as to save costs.  Lord, should I really be penny pinching right now?   

So, today...the new consult.  Because I am an RN I know what they will say.   " this is no big deal...lets get you scheduled for the wire surgery and see what we are dealing with....please talk to the receptionist to schedule"   and I will leave the office just as confused as before.     I'm guessing the entire day will be a waste of time and I'm guessing they wont be able to schedule me quickly.  so i will be waiting again.   


I filled out all the paperwork and printed off info for FMLA so that when it does happen I can take time off work with out repercussions from the higher ups.  

After my appointment I will be Easter Basket Junk Shopping.....after all it is my favorite holiday
The Chocolate Holiday

I cant believe this kid is smiling

write ya later
and hopefully these posts will be a little less Bummery soon