Thursday, April 17, 2014

lets get this show on the road

Today I finally go for my consult with the breast specialist.   Unfortunately my last appointment was moving along at a great pace and I went to schedule my surgery only to find out the surgery center was not in "network".  I chose to change Dr.s and head to a more "in network" surgery so as to save costs.  Lord, should I really be penny pinching right now?   

So, today...the new consult.  Because I am an RN I know what they will say.   " this is no big deal...lets get you scheduled for the wire surgery and see what we are dealing with....please talk to the receptionist to schedule"   and I will leave the office just as confused as before.     I'm guessing the entire day will be a waste of time and I'm guessing they wont be able to schedule me quickly.  so i will be waiting again.   


I filled out all the paperwork and printed off info for FMLA so that when it does happen I can take time off work with out repercussions from the higher ups.  

After my appointment I will be Easter Basket Junk Shopping.....after all it is my favorite holiday
The Chocolate Holiday

I cant believe this kid is smiling

write ya later
and hopefully these posts will be a little less Bummery soon

Tuesday, March 25, 2014


 I have so much anxiety I am freaking out.  I know that doesn't make sense but I can't move forward I just sit here.   I'm feeling very hateful and very overwhelmed.  As I sit I realize how I have wasted my life.  How I haven't completed things I should have.  How I yelled at my kid last night to no end, for stupid shit.
What is wrong with me?   Everything and nothing.
I have been drinking more than I should.  I have not been eating like I should and I have quit sleeping.  I have quit cleaning.  I have quit doing anything.
I dread going to work.
I cry on the inside....I try not to look unhappy, but my skin is sallow and my hair is falling out.
I was told to make a vision board
I looked at some on Pintrest then realized it was too much...what if I make one the. Never accomplish a god damn thing on it.  
I stopped going to yoga, I stopped working out....when my head gets too full I run, but always with fear of running too far and not making it back.
Very few have checked on me.  Life goes on.
Spring is here.  My favorite season and I just want to curl up in a ball and die


Wednesday, March 19, 2014

bruised boobie...should have bought a lottery ticket

So, they did call Friday afternoon and said my Biopsy was benign!  woop wool...celebrate.
I celebrated the life of my boob all weekend as silly as that seems.

Happy day.
I could get on with my life.
Everything from the past month just sped right up in fast motion and I felt over whelmed with everything I had thrown to the side with my distress.

I gardened, I cleaned up the yard.  I cleaned the laundry room.  I cleaned the cabinets and actually bought groceries for the family.
Ready to take on life...planning my vacations and starting to work out again/

Went back to work on Monday without a care in the world.

I recieved a phone call at about 10 am Monday morning and my gynecologist left a vm stating she would like to go over my biopsy.  Ok....I all ready got the answer from my primary dr so I wanst too worried.
I went into the break room and gave her a call.

"your biopsy of the calcifications showed nothing to worry about right now.  you have fibrocystic breasts which are very common at your age (my age being 45).....however, the Radiologist called me this morning and said after reviewing the pathology,  the cells around your biopsy site were concerning.  they have Hyperplastic Cell Growth of the Lobules and we would like to refer you to a cancer breast surgeon specialist.  "


she goes on to say: "  of biopsies done, only 37% come back malignant ( i see a problem here), of all the biopsies, only 4% come back with hyperplastic cell growth( which I made it to the 4%)...of that 4% only 25% show cancer upon further exams....and within about 10 years about 90% of those 4% develop breast cancer and some, we feel like you should get it examined further to be safe, you are young and have 10 years you will still be young"

Really?  Maybe I should have bought a l;ottery ticket too.
this is the side of my breast. they went in at the 9 oclock position and this is the hematoma 1 week later after biopsy one

so my decisions now is if I want to continue down this path?  Do I just let it be for a while and see what happens.  I know for a fact I will not get mammos every 3 months just to torture myself.  I also will not be getting biopsies over and over again.  Its a proven fact every time they stick that needle into something potentially cancerous and drag it through the healthy cells you are causing damage.

anyone out there have this experience?  I know there are people.  any Cancer RNs or doctors or radiologists who would like to just say what they have seen or experienced.

with that said I am going to run today.  I am going to do some squats and pull ups.  i have 3 months until summer....and like the dr said,   Im still young...

write ya later,

Friday, March 14, 2014

The waiting game

Called in sick today.  I have too much anxiety .  I was hoping one of the doctors would call with my pathology report but so far it doesn't look like that is going to happen.
the biopsy was Wed.  It was not as bad as I had imagined , that was until the stereophonic imaging machine broke and they had to call someone in to look at it with my poor titty in a plexiglas vice grip.  They did try to cover me a bit, but it seemed so ridiculous I couldn't even think straight.  There I was ...6 feet up in the air, right boob locked in through a hole in a god awful uncomfortable table, my ribs falling through because apparently they don't make a table for petite people, and people standing there trying to figure out why the imaging machine will not circle around to take the 3D type pictures.  After about 45 minutes the Dr. said, " I think we have it in the right place, I'm going to try and take the samples.  The other choice would be for you to come back and do it in surgery".
They did it then I went for what they call a "soft" mammogram .  They gently place your smoothed, deflated, bruised booby into the mammo machine and smoosh it one more time.   The radiologist said, " you want to see the pictures?"
Sure I do.  
She pointed out the little titanium marker the dr placed and showed where the micro-calcifications had been removed.  She pointed to one little spot.  Looks like they got all but one.

Now the waiting game.  She said I may not hear anything til Monday.  The bummer is, I know the pathology comes back in 24 hours....I'm a nurse.   But I can't make someone look at it if they don't want to.  So, here I sit.
It's going to be ok.  It is ...only 32% are malignant.  That gives me a good 68% chance of being A ok . ...for now any way.   Micro calcifications are precancerous from what I understand, so we will just have to see.
The bad news is I will be receiving the news at work on Monday if they don't call today.

Enjoy your weekend

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Thoughts from the reaper

Past few days....

Wow, I really haven't had enough sex....or sex with people I want to have sex with
Why do I always put off vacation?
I wish my backyard was fixed up nicer.
Maybe I should tell the kids now so that they will be nicer.
Should I go to Disney World?
Fuck workin out!
Let's hire a maid.
Is that pain anxiety or do I all ready have mets?
Please make sure people I know tell funny stories about me instead of sad morose shit.
damnit, my motorcycle isn't even finished and I haven't been to Sturgis.
Thank god I didn't go back to school this year.
I should just eat sweets from here on out.
I miss my mom.

These are the kind of things you think of while waiting for a diagnosis.
I think a lot about the sex part.   I think waiting is making me horny....or maybe it's all the
hormones....whatever the case.... I really should not have been such a prude my entire life

I'll write ya later
Xo ,

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Damn Boobs

I never win anything, but last week I did.  I won a call back for a second mammogram.
I know, I eventually happens to everyone.  At least that is what I've been told.
They called me at work to tell me they found some Microcalcifications in my right boob, could I please schedule a follow appointment as soon as possible.


so after a quick 20 minutes of googling I decided to make the appointment and not worry too much, after all...everyone eventually gets a call back.

I called a few people, whom I consider friends, and they all said the same thing, "Don't worry.  It's scary but I had to do the same thing and it was ok...Benign, nothing."

i took that info for what it was worth, continued to google my situation and decided to not fear the reaper until I had heard his tap.

Yesterday I calmly drove myself to the Woman's Center, followed the kind receptionists directions to clean under my armpits and breasts, put on the soft pink flannel robe, and head into the nice serene waiting room.  I sat there with 2 other woman who looked put out by their yearly mammogram.  All of us sitting in our pink robes with our tell tale signs of what we do for work peeking out.  The lady next to me with her nice slacks and expensive boots, next to her a set of scrub pants and clogs, and next to her, yoga pants and well manicured toenails.  All of us waiting to stroll into the next room.

Yeah, yeah...I'm ready.

The clean little room was familiar, seeing how I had just been here 1 week ago.  The radiologist tech asked me if I understood why I was here.
Yes, although I did not do too well in the cancer part of nursing school or radiology if you want to know so could you refresh me.

" They, meaning the Drs found a cluster of little calcifications on your breast.  they are tiny and grouped together like a constellation.  If they were big dots and even on both sides we wouldn't think anything, we would assume that is what your body does as it ages.  But since yours is grouped the way it is and we know it showed up within the last 4 years we want to get a magnified picture and look"

Ok.  Got it.
She was beyond kind as we smashed my boob every which way to Friday.  I chuckled as she grabbed my nipple and stretched my boob to it's limit and smashed to tissue paper thickness.  She smiled and said, "Well, I'm going to ask you not to get dressed and head back to the waiting area while I have the radiologist look at your slides"
I waited....
I waited 30 minutes...then 45 minutes...ladies came and went ...smiling....what about me? she comes.
"Myssi?  The Dr wants to get one more view"
what?  my poor boob.  Ok  Back in.  this time she asks me to get on a table and throw my boob up onto a boob table and she smashes it from my armpit down.   Ouchie.  
"That should be good, lets have you go back out to the waiting area. "
wait , wait, wait....30 minutes more
"myssi?....I just want you to know that the radiologist wanted to call another dr for your slides.  Please don't worry, they just want to look them over together."

OK...don't worry...
The lady next to me, reading an old National Geographic, leaned over and said "First Callback?....Don't be too scared, remember it's only breast.  I'm on a callback too"

Another 30 minutes passed and the RN came out and waved me to the partition.   "Myssi, the Dr. would like you to come to his office so that we can talk to you.  We usually let people get dressed but he has the other Dr on the phone conferenced in, so let's just head over there now."  she smiles and puts her hand on my back.
Do I panic now?  No.  Be's just the office....nothing ever good happens when you get called to the office...ever.
The office was dark and tight, 5 big screens of my boobs were on the desk top monitor.  Wow...they look good lit up like that, nice shape....
"Have a seat.  Dr Booby, Myssi is here as is the RN I think we can talk now."
"So, your last mammo was about 4 years ago.  And just for the record you did nothing wrong by not having a yearly mammo.  There was no indication that you would have needed another.  Here is your last one up against your new ones."
I looked at them.  4 years ago.  smashed boob with lots of spider web looking colors, nothing spectacular....the new one....there it was.
"Myssi do you see this?  This is new, it is clearly something.  Right here is the older one, right here is the exact same spot on the new slides....see these little dots?"

"Fuck me" under my breath.

"We (the Doctors) have discussed this together so that we could give you the best advice.  Now most of the time, 85% of these are nothing.  We would just suggest a sit and wait for 6 months then get another mammogram and see if it changes.  But because of the shape and the time frame of us not knowing if this happened 6 months after your last mammogram or last year we suggest we don't delay any more treatment."  I sat in dumbfounded silence.  Smiling..."yes, ok...yup...that sounds reasonable"  "Our scheduling team is here today.  Joy, can you walk her over to scheduling and get her scheduled in?  Myssi, the biopsy may very likely show nothing.  It often does.  But we should make sure and get a definitive answer.  If it is cancer/precancerous cells we can start treatment quickly."  The Dr on the phone said " It would be our best advice for you right now, But please don't worry."
Ok...thank you Drs...thanks...
No tears or thoughts...i just told them thank you.
The Rn gently put her hand on my back and took me to the dressing rooms, " Let's get you dressed.  Take your time, you are my only patient today so I'll wait for you in the waiting area and we will get you scheduled.
I sat down on the pretty bench in the dressing room.  wow, really?  What happened to me having an early life heart attack?  How about that stroke I keep talking to my cholesterol levels about?  Really ?Breast Cancer?  That is stupid.  That was not on the table!
I got dressed and shook my head at the mess I was looking at in the mirror.  Ridiculous.
We scheduled the appointment for the biopsy. I was surprised how quickly they got me in.  literally in less than 4 days.  "We always keep a few slots open for callbacks"  Good, I guess...She handed me a pamphlet on breast cancer and biopsies and a phone number in case I needed to talk to someone...she handed me a list of things to do and not do before the procedure, and then looked me up and down and said , "you won't be able to workout for a week or so...or run, or lift...or whatever you do to stay fit.  We will see you next week."
That was it.  I said thank you, smiled and she took my arm and walked me from the guiding a blind person.

the sun was blinding.
I sat in the car and looked at myself in the mirror. was not the best day to give up drinking for Lent.

 haven't said anything.... I will wait for that Biopsy, which everyone online has assured me will be ok and it will show nothing.  But on the inside there is a bit of uneasiness.  A feeling of doom.

I put on my lipgloss, sunglasses, and drove myself to the brewery....where everyone knows my name :)   and had a beer and said nothing.


Saturday, March 1, 2014

I Drug Tested my Teen

Yup, I sure did.  He's been acting weird.  He's been lying about weird things and not remembering anything.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  On the way home from work I stopped at Walgreens and got one of those drug tests that checks for anything and everything.  The little voice in my head said to be ready for what it might reveal, I told that voice to shut up.  I know...I know.

I got home, marched up the stairs handed him the cup and said,  "Look.  You have been acting the fool the lately, I don't know what's going on and I need to know.  Would you like to tell me what this is going to say before you pee in the cup?  it's your chance to be honest."  He looked me in the eye and said, "It's going to be clean"
I thought to myself...sure it is apparently don't know how long that shit stays in your system.   I say, "you sure?  I'm doing this because I love you" (classic mom line)" Right now I don't trust you and I need to get you and us back on track.   Are you scared?"  He said , "yeah, just because it's weird, but I understand why you are doing it....and mom, It's going to be clean.  I haven't smoked pot in over a month, from the last big talk we had.... I decided then I had to stop."

off to pee

I had him set it on his dresser and we stuck the cardboard thing in with 8 windows to check everything from pot and alcohol to meth and heroine....and we waited.  10 minutes staring at his nice clear yellow pee and watching for the double red lines to appear in each window.   Ever so slowly the double sets of lines like 8 tiny pregnancy tests started to appear.  There was one which was a bit faint...."What's that one?"    That my son is THC...weed.  He looked at me then looked at the card and said "look the lines are there!...I TOLD month or more it has been."

He was clean.  17 years old....and clean.   I was not clean of anything at 17.  You could have waved that card above my pee and it would say....FAIL.  I was happy for him, I was happy I could tell my other half...he's not on drugs...but not happy that it doesn't give us any reason for the decisions he is making.

Being a teen sucks ass.  I can mark the month on the calendar when things started to go from good decisions to I don't give a fuck decisions.  I can say I don't blame him.  The kid lost all his hair when he started high school....1 month later the kid contracted Tuberculosis.... 2 weeks later he got hit by a car on his bike and was charge with riding on the sidewalk  and had to pay for the rich lady's car who rolled a stop sign.  Is life fair?  Fuck no...but that doesn't mean I can baby my favorite child.
This kid was my savior, this kid I had plans for, this kid I spent days at home reading to him and using flash cards, and telling him how amazing he was.

this kid who is gifted and failing high school was not in my plan.

at least I can say it is not drug related...and I can also say that he gave me a hug afterwards, as I cried and told him why I am so scared for him...He just said..."Mom, I love you...I am not mad...I understand, I'm scared for me too sometimes ."....and maybe that is enough